It’s an interesting thought/feeling to have…

In order to be safe, I need my dad to be safe, and in order for him to be safe, I need to be unsafe.

It sounds non-sensical, doesn’t it? How can this be logically true? Well, in pure logic terms, it doesn’t work. Ah, it’s funny because dad leaned on logic so heavily, and taught me to do the same. I also learned that when one thing is true, it causes the rest of the alternatives to be false. I’m now learning that in order to unravel my youth and his (limited) parenting of me, I find that the illogical is true, and many (seemingly conflicting) things can be true at the same time.

So, when the illogical is true, and there are simultaneous, conflicting truths, what happens next? How do I move forward in a world that I thought I understood what truth meant but I’ve now discovered that truth can be true and false simultaneously. And I’m learning that the most important truth is the one that enables me to be the most “myself” I can be.

In order to help me find that in myself, I took a walk this morning. All of a sudden, I was struck by the appearance of my shadow. It was shortened by the sun angle, and I could see my toddler self in that shadow. As my toddler self, I saw these pretty blue gems (which were shards of glass) and I wanted to stop and pick them up. They were beautiful, little pebbles of blue in a sea of brown. Shimmering and glistening. Calling to me. The grown up part of me knew better than to pick them up, but I let the little version of me imagine the youthful joy of investigating those wonderful, fascinating objects. It was a freeing experience to let my curiosity and interest roam. And I got to be the safe older figure for myself to know that I won’t cut myself on broken glass, but I can still marvel in the fascination of those wonderful blue pebbles.

As I continued my walk, I saw lots of things that I don’t usually pay attention to, or think are important to me as I run on the treadmill of life. I stopped and looked at the different colors of brick in a house, how there was rust on one side of a chimney and none on the other side. The beginnings of cherry blossoms, some open flowers, many just the round pink ball before becoming a flower. A person pulling a suitcase. I wondered if they were traveling somewhere. And I looked at my hands in mitten-like gloves. They felt like the hands of my younger self, and I wondered about how all of us blobs of goo that we call humans can exist. Marveling at the fact of existence, that the instructions for building humans, and many other creatures, exists within us. And the fact that building blocks of those instructions might have arrived here on an asteroid, riding untold miles through space.

Letting my imagination run feels good. It helps me remember who I am, and what calls to me. What reminds me of my vitality of life. On my walk, I saw a hawk that was flying around. It was low to the ground, like it was hunting rather than soaring up in the sky. Though maybe it was just playing. I don’t really know much about hawks, but I love to watch them deftly maneuver as they fly. Later in the walk, I saw another hawk, and I was so appreciative of the fact that I got to see TWO hawks this morning! It felt like a blessing.

And so, I am blessed. Not necessarily in a traditional religious way, but in the way of finding my vitality and paying attention to these things that call my attention in these brief moments.

And I realize that, in order for me to be safe, I need me to be safe. No one else. Not dad, not mom, not friends, not family. It’s great if I can find safety in some of those people, but those people might disappear. My old manager just suddenly died, and he wasn’t old enough for it to be an expected death. My friend who I thought was part of my support system doesn’t seem to have time to support me for the foreseeable future.

So, who is left? Me. I have made it through all this, and I will continue to make it through life’s challenges. I will do my best to support myself and those who remain around me, and bring my whole self to this effort. And I will do all this knowing that each day might bring a profoundly life-altering revelation. One that may cause me to see what used to be absolutely true as now, absolutely false. But I can’t know any of that before I know it. So I’ll continue with what I know today.

And I hope that you will, too. Keep learning! Keep imagining! I know that some days are more challenging that others, and I hope that this might bring some inspiration or comfort on those tough days. I know what it’s like, and I believe in you.