Dad,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your arrest upended my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I nearly didn’t make it past that part of my life because of how tightly I was attached to you, and how much difficulty I had adjusting to the new reality of your arrest, your crimes, and your mental health diagnosis. When I had to let go of my attachment to the previous version of you, it felt like I had to disavow so much of what I thought was truth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even now, I often don’t feel safe in myself because I still feel like my judgement is flawed, and that I am still waiting on your approval of my decision. I’m not waiting for that approval anymore, but for a long time, I was waiting for that approval to arrive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m now grieving the fact that you cannot be what I believed you to be, and what you presented yourself to be. And I’m grieving the disintegration of the version of the family that you held together, in your way. I miss the family that was wrapped around you. I know that it wasn’t a healthy dynamic, but I miss it because it’s what I grew up with, what’s familiar to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unfortunately, familiar is no longer enough, and I have to move past where we were. I live in a world where you aren’t able to support my existence in a healthy way. And that’s so sad. Partly because you were my definition of truth, but partly because it means that you’re really, really limited. You, who were once my definer of truth, are now so, so much smaller. You are an emotional toddler. And me seeing that reality hurts me. And you’re unable to find a way to grow into an emotional adult. One who I might be able to have an adult relationship with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I’m stuck with a very intellectually smart, but emotionally dumb father. And you, the emotional toddler, were emotionally abusive to me. I couldn’t see that when I was younger. After your arrest, I could see all the harm that you had done to other children. And I could see the harm that you had done to me, but that you still couldn’t see, even after your arrest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You were arrested for the harm to those other children. I’m glad that society was able to protect the other children from you. That being said, that system didn’t provide me protection from you. I had to deal with you on my own. Mom tried to protect me, but she was limited in what she understood. She didn’t realize the impacts of your emotional abuse, and none of us knew about your mental illness and your crimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So here we are. At this distance — emotional, physical, intellectual. And it’s time for me to get on with my life. My life without you in it. I’ll miss you forever because we had many great adventures, and because you are my dad, and were my hero. But I can’t interact with you because you’re too much for me to handle. I wish you weren’t. I wish I could parent you into being a good parent for me. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. You are my parent. I am not your parent, and I cannot help you if you’re unable to see that you need to take the first steps to help yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, in order for me to live the best life that I can, I need to let this go. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the son that could help you in the way that you needed. I love you and the memories we shared. I will always treasure the time we had together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And now I must let you go. Let you live your life. Let you be who you are going to be. I don’t want to miss the old you, but that you has left. I cannot bring the old you back, no matter how hard I try. And I have to let me live my life. Life without that version of you. Life with the version of you who is unable to see yourself as I see you now. And you know what? I’m allowed to have that version. I don’t need your approval to know what I know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m scared to send you this letter because it tells you so many things that you could use to draw me back into relationship, and that risk seems very dangerous. It feels like I would be risking my existence, and I don’t have any interest in taking that risk again. I didn’t have a choice when I was younger, but I have a choice now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now I can choose to spend my time with people who can support me in a healthy way. I can choose all my wonderful, supportive friends and family. I can choose holidays with them, where we get to connect with each other, and nobody yells at me because I didn’t do something to their unreasonable standards. And I can choose not to interact with you because you’re abusive, and you don’t understand the impacts of that abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think that’s all I have for you. Unfortunately, these are things that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say to you because the danger of reopening communication feels too big for me to handle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But know that I love you. And I love myself. And because I’m learning to love myself as much, or maybe even more, than I love you, I must keep my distance. But I will never stop loving you from that distance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Love,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your Son<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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